Dear Alton Brown

The only unitasker allowed in my kitchen is a fire extinguisher - Alton Brown

Dear Alton:

May I call you Alton? I feel like I know you. After all, you spend a great deal of time in our home, via a variety of media.

Alton, you recently did a video that is everywhere on the Internets, regarding the dumbest kitchen gadgets of 2015. I also heard the guest spot on NPR. I am with you (mostly) on unitaskers, and I agree there are a lot of useless hardware on the market. That egg extruder? Yep. Banana slicer? Ditto. But, there are some items that deserve a second look.

Jedi Kitchen Tricks

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate the eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them - Gracie Allen

My Mommy’s was brass.


I don’t know if it was really made of brass, it could’ve been brass-plated or brass colored. I just remember it being brass. I had no idea what it was for, though I am certain that on several occasions, when my Jungle Jim became a Spaceship, that it was useful as some implement of an intrepid space explorer.

I’ve never purchased one myself, but there’s always been one in my kitchen. There’s one now - made by Tupperware. I’ve never used never used it.

An ex-girlfriend of mine once brought me back one as a gift from Britain. It was ceramic and interesting looking. I never used it for its intended purpose. Became a scouring pad dish as I recall. (That same girlfriend also ran my wok through the dishwasher when I was out of town. We didn’t last long as a couple).

Jedi Kitchen Tricks

Good gracious! Who left the mop running? – Flora (Sleeping Beauty)

This weekend I finally got around to getting the big barrel grill up and running for the season. For the first time out this season we picked some St. Louis cut spareribs we had in the freezer.

I pulled the ribs out of their Cryovac, wipe them with paper towel and applied a nice layer of my favorite dry rub across all surfaces. I set my woodchips (pecan) and herb stems to soaking and started a lump charcoal fire with my chimney starter. I got all my tools prepared.

And then I brought out my mop.

Jedi Kitchen Tricks

I mean, I thought something for the apartment...maybe a new clock, or a cool phone, or a great art book, or something...but a blender? I mean, what is this? 1958? Give the little wife a blender?! - Father of the Bride - 1991

I have acquired a lot of kitchen equipment over the years (Some twice.)  I am picky about the devices I choose. I was schooled by the Frug and in most cases could pass the Alton Brown unitasker test. I could get by without some of them, but they make life easier.

There is only one I wish had come into my life earlier and that’s the stick blender. Invented in Switzerland in 1950, it didn't start working it's way into our kitchens in the mid 80's. I would have been saved a couple of messes if I had gotten one earlier. That’s what happens when you ignore trustworthy advice and use a standard blender for hot stuff without venting and covering with a towel. That aside, it isn’t easy to get food out of completely. It also can be a pain to clean and keep track of the parts.

Jedi Kitchen Tricks

Alan Stanwyck: You'll be wearing rubber gloves. Do you own rubber gloves?
Fletch: I rent 'em. I have a lease with an option to buy.

I can’t be alone in this.

The first time you handled a chilli (in my case it was when I still spelled it chile, and the only choice was a jalapeño) you ignored the advice of every expert and did it bare-handed. Then you touched a sensitive extremity – I was lucky that it was my nose – and you swear to use gloves the next time.  For a starting cook, without much guidance in those days, rubber gloves meant Playtex yellow gloves. Great for washing up, but not very precise when it comes to close-in knife work.

Jedi Kitchen Tricks

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. - Jerry Seinfeld

If you know what you are looking at on the right, you might want to skip this.  Or not.  It's kinda fun.  

 I love kitchen tips - those handy ideas that make cooking easier, (and make you wish you'd thought of it yourself). This may have come from Alton Brown, or Sara Moulton. Cook's Illustrated is also a possibility. It used be really handy for these, but time and repetition have rendered them redundant - even silly. Not as bad as: To open jar, rotate top counterclockwise, perhaps. It just seemed that way whenI gave up my subscription after years.

Here's the scoop - most blender jars  have the same screw thread pattern as a standard Mason jar (not wide mouth). You can use a Mason jar as a small blender carafe or as a replacement for a dedicated spice grinder. Just screw the bottom ring, blade and gasket on as the jar's lid, invert and mount on the base. Shazam.

Things you won't find in my kitchen

Introducing the Dough-Nu-Matic Doughnut Maker, as featured in local holiday ads!





What a frakking waste! Money quote from my favorite Amazon.com review: It doesn't make doughnuts. It makes tiny blobs of burnt dough. Very greasy. Do not even bother with it - a complete waste of time.

A New Use for Kitchenware

This is too cool!

What am I

I got an e-mail from Bob del Grosso this morning, asking me if I'd ever seen a kitchen implement like this. Our friend Tyrone is a cook on a hospital ship and found it in the galley. I have never seen anything like it.

It has a double set of fork-like tines and the u-shaped doohicky on the bottom. That doohicky did remind me of an antique carving fork I have. It is pictured below. It has a pivoting piece between the handle and the tines that serves as a rest or stand - I wonder the u thing does the same?

Any ideas?